NYC Mayors Explained
They're all cartoons
New Yorkers tend to be silly, frivolous, or at least irreverent. It’s difficult to understand the city without realizing that, and it helps one understand why we seem to despise any mayor who isn’t a cartoon character. We do care about competence, but only as a second order issue. Canvasing for mayor goes something like,
“I’d like to talk to you about ─── for Mayor. Do you have a few moments to hear about his program?”
“Ah! Ah! Ah! You with your program! Now you hold on just a minute. Tell me first, does he throw pies at people? Does steam come out of his ears when he eats hot sauce? Does he ever find himself sleepwalking off the Flatiron Building but only falls when he wakes up and looks down?”
“Well, yes, of course. In fact, just this morning he and a duck took turns chasing each other back and forth with a mallet around the Central Park Reservoir.”
“Oh! Why didn’t you say so? Come in, come in, my husband will make coffee. Now tell us all about his plan for a phonics-based reading curriculum.”
A good mayor needs to be cheerful and wacky, yet still good at dealing with city departments to make sure the trash gets picked up and buildings don’t burn down. The requisite personality is going to be horribly unsuited to any other political office (look up the outcome for all the men on this list who eventually ran for president).
I’ve put together a helpful guide to our fair city’s leaders. I start with La Guardia because he’s the most cartoon-like of them all. The man was a crazy, frenetic, God-damned delight and I wish we had another one. He was also probably the first mayor anyone expected1 to do anything right, instead of just being born the pliant nephew of some political boss.
Fiorello La Guardia
Fiorello (“Little Flower”) La Guardia was a boisterous man who seemed like he might pop out of the woodwork at any moment. He became a major in the air force during WWI, a time when it was a miracle for anyone to survive military aviation. An unrepentant wet, during his time as a congressman, he once mixed up an illegal beer concoction2 in his House office for a reporter; New York prohibition authorities commented to the effect of, “he’d better not try that here,” so he caught a train and did the same thing in his Harlem district, asking a passing patrolman to arrest him.
As mayor, he was ahead of his time, overseeing a staggering build out of public infrastructure as well and the attendant increase in public spending. He secured large amounts of New Deal projects and was one of the first politicians to become adept at spending public money (a new skill as the world changed during the Great Depression). He made some progressive moves on civil rights, more than can be said for many of his contemporaries. He also loved nothing more than hearing himself speak and ribbon cuttings:
“La Guardia’s predilection for pageantry, preferably with himself at its center was obvious to anyone who noticed the yards of gold braid with which the Major outfitted his policeman bodyguard or his penchant for holding full-dress military-type inspections of anything that conceivably be inspected – police or firemen with motorized equipment, snow plows, new garbage trucks, old garbage trucks – and for preening and strutting as he marched in front of them, literally swelling out his barrel chest as he bounced by at the salute.” – The Power Broker, chapter 23
Unsurprisingly, he desperately wanted to be a general in WWII. Just for the uniform one imagines. Working for the man was a nightmare: he routinely made his staff cry and would berate commissioners seemingly at random.3 At least he was entertaining.
William O’Dwyer
Notable for being so corrupt he had to get the President to save him by sending him out of the country as an ambassador. Put politely, “he proved to be quite comfortable in the role of glad-handing frontman for a network of corruption that gave the crime bosses and their political partners a stranglehold over the city’s economic life.” Somehow he had a squeaky clean reputation at the time despite a massive police corruption scandal.
Vincent Impellitteri
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The Droopy Dog of mayors, Impellitteri was “shy” and people would pass him on the street not realizing that he’d ever been mayor. His nickname was “Impy”. He deferred quite a lot to Robert Moses (himself a cartoon villain4), but did show some gumption in standing up to party bosses and firing corrupt hold-overs from his corrupt-as-all-hell predecessor’s administration.
Robert Wagner
Sadly, this one was calm, level-headed, and not much of a character, making him a big exception to the rule. By all accounts, he rooted out corruption, hastened the decline of machine politics in the city when he broke with Tammany Hall, and handled the changing post-WWII makeup of the city about as well as could have been expected. If he was at all cartoon-like, he was more of a straight man sort of character. He quit the New York Athletic Club because they wouldn’t allow Jewish or Black people as members, which is a mark in his favor (though ever being part of a gym that costs thousands of dollars and requires a sponsor’s recommendation, seconds by two other members, and a background check makes me question his judgement). In one cartoon (villain) turn though, he implemented a mean spirited crackdown on gays/gay bars after working himself into a tizzy over the city being too queer for the 1964 World’s Fair.5 Maybe it was the drag? But, that’s the most cartoon-like activity ever… maybe he was a toon but maybe it was Judge Doom?!
John Lindsay
The man was a disaster. I’m assuming he was elected three times because he was young and pretty (the Kennedy, JFK very much included, recipe for gaining power despite cocking up everything you do). At one point on his watch, “mounds of garbage caught fire and strong winds blew the filth through the streets”. The city had riots (in the “Hard Hat Riot” a bunch of, I assume drunk, construction workers beat the bejesus out of anti-war protesters while the police stood around watching), corruption went on a tear, and just about every city worker went on strike. We went from putting garbage in containers (Oscar-the-Grouch style cans specifically) to just dumping it all over the street in plastic bags. He was what happens when you elect Daffy Duck mayor.6
Abraham Beame
This man was a cartoon in the Mr. Magoo just so out of his element he didn’t have an element sense. I feel sorry for him because it wasn’t his fault. His big flaw was wanting to be mayor at all at that particular moment. The city had no money, nearly went bankrupt, and there was pretty much nothing he could do except run hither and yon with his hat in hand begging for money. Poor guy.
Ed Koch
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Koch was funny on sight. He had that high pitched yet still gravely New York accent that made him seem even kookier than he was. He’d walk around with a megaphone asking, “How’m I doin’?” He was entirely a creature of the city. In fact, it’s comical how bad he was at campaigning anywhere else when he ran for governor. Despite needing suburban votes to beat Cuomo The Elder, he couldn’t help himself from saying,
“Have you ever lived in the suburbs? I haven’t, but I’ve talked to people who have, and it’s sterile, it’s wasting your life. And people do not wish to waste their lives after they’ve seen New York.” [He’s not wrong.]
His mayoralty is complicated. The wheels fell off the city during his third term. But he also faced a pretty much never ending series of setbacks (New York in the 1980s was rough, so it’s to his credit that he absolutely adored the city even then). Dinkins eventually beat him fair and square, so it was petty when Koch turned around and endorsed Giuliani.
They renamed the Queensboro Bridge after him and he was as giddy as a kid over it.7 He kept pointing at it going, “That’s my bridge!”
He was gay, and in the closet his entire life because he (almost certainly correctly) believed coming out would wreck his political career. Near the end, he rued his loneliness. I don’t have a joke for that; it’s sad.
David Dinkins
David Dinkins seems to have been smart, deeply ethical, competent, and had a normal personality. He inherited a city in shambles and paved the way for its revitalization. He was decidedly not a cartoon. It is for this reason that I think New Yorkers hated him and he lost reelection to a bona fide lunatic (well, also racist8 incompetent cops played a role). Yes, he increased police headcount and expanded after school programs, which helped the city finally get crime under control. Yes, he also took ungodly amounts of flak for simultaneously starting to get the police themselves under control. But, was he ridiculous, scandal-plagued, or just plain odd? No, and our fine city deserves a clown. So, in his place, we chose one alright…
Rudy Giuliani
Giuliani is a man who only makes sense to a cartoon. Before he was mayor, he – surprisingly enough, laudably – went after the mafia as a prosecutor. They even wanted to kill him. When campaigning against Dinkins, he may have helped incite a police riot. As mayor, he got a lot of credit as public order / anti-crime policies initiated under Dinkins began to bear fruit. He wanted to privatize all the city’s public schools because he is an idiot.
After his time as mayor, he ran for president on the “I was mayor during 9-11” ballot line. After that, he did his best to enable a fat orange narcissist who, in turn, is currently doing his best to wreck the federal government. Also, his face melted at one point.
Michael Bloomberg
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Bloomberg, a.k.a. “El Bloombito”, was about as cartoonish as one can get. The El Bloombito satire comes from him cluelessly trying to read Spanish in press conferences, without any understanding of pronunciation. He was an out-of-touch rich man in many ways, always taking his plane somewhere to play golf. Although he definitely came off as awkward and unfriendly, he gave the impression that there was nothing in life he’d rather be than mayor of New York City. He seemed to like us in whatever way he’s capable of liking people.
Education is a big part of his mayoral legacy; he successfully lobbied for mayoral control of schools9 and ushered in charter schools. Graduation rates rose to the highest level since records began. He was also responsible for quality of life initiatives ranging from banning indoor smoking to more bike lanes. He was stubborn to the point of inflexibility, refusing to admit he was wrong about stop-and-frisk. He received remarkably little blowback for getting the city council to rubber stamp an exception for his third term run. In response someone started putting up “No Third Terms Vote for Burns” posters around the city. Like a big chunk of this list, he had a brief and disastrous campaign for president after his mayoralty.
Bill de Blasio
Universal pre-Kindergarten was a good idea. Beyond that, he couldn’t stop stumbling into PR messes. He managed to make himself look bad (or silly, which is worse) for his gym routine. He was constantly fighting with the governor. Now, the governor was an asshole, but it’s a very stupid position for a mayor to get in because, power dynamics in NY State being what they are, the governor can keep the mayor on a very short leash if he or she so chooses. Constantly dithering, he couldn’t decide whether he wanted to increase police accountability or whether he wanted them to like him; so he got neither. New Yorkers were constantly treated to too much information about his marriage, and still about his dating life. It also seemed like he never really liked us; he was always off in Iowa, in a delusional attempt to be president. At Staten Island’s Groundhog Day ceremony, he killed the groundhog.
Eric Adams
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Adams could’ve been one of the greatest on this list. He combines being an absolute clown (of the “what nonsensical blather will come out of his mouth next?” variety) with a surprising competence in many areas: he has actually tried to do something effective about the housing crisis,10 he moved to have the city put its trash in bins,11 and he decided it would be a good idea if we cared about whether children could read.
Unfortunately, he’s also brazenly and transparently corrupt. The inane thing is that he sells himself so cheaply. He took kickbacks in the form of discounted airfare (also, he seems to like Turkish Air first class so much he’d fly from NYC to Chicago by way of Istanbul). People in his administration just give out small amounts of cash in paper bags potato chip bags. He landed on a (very) competent police commissioner entirely by accident, as the procession of corrupt clods he installed in the job kept having to resign. Before becoming mayor, it seems he may have lied about actually living in the city.
Next?
This autumn, we’re either to be treated to Zohran Mamdani or Andrew Cuomo. Neither of them seem like they’d be good mayors,12 but they’re both excellent muppets. So, in a way, we can’t lose. Which character will I be adding to this list come November? You decide!
Zohran Mamdani
Gracie Mansion13 will soon host Zohran Mamdani and I, for one, look forward to waiting in a five block long line to exchange ration coupons for cabbages at his city-run Glorious Workers Food Co-op / Grocery Emporium… or rather that will probably just fizzle. He doesn’t actually have the power to make busses free. And, he can’t really freeze the rent.14 So, he seems set to say many cartoonish things (yay!!!), but might actually be pretty competent. The bus lanes he’s been promising sound nice, he seems to appreciate the need for more housing construction, and he’s pledged to keep on the first competent police commissioner we’ve had in years. Except he shouldn’t bring back the school boards. That’s a no good, very bad, awful, horrible idea.15
I’m a little sad because either Cuomo or idiot-in-beret would’ve made for somewhat better cartoon characters, but I suppose electing the candidate who isn’t a horse’s ass is a good sign for US politics.
“Expected” is the operative word. We’re frequently disappointed.
I write “beer concoction” to mean he mixed up something like readily available no alcohol beer with malt extract, which would ferment into illegal 2% beer.
The Power Broker, chapter 23
Moses amassed staggering powers as “Parks Commissioner” of all things, tried to turn the entire city into a highway, and was a prick: “The wrought-iron trellises of the Harlem playhouse-comfort station are decorated with monkeys.” (The Power Broker, chapter 25)
Had he never seen a World’s Fair? Or his own city for that matter?
Daffy and Bugs are in a neck-and-neck race for best cartoon character ever. But you’ve got to know which one of them would make a horrible leader.
Everyone still calls it the “Queensboro Bridge” though; the “Ed Koch Queensboro Bridge” will never catch on, ever.
Not racist in the “let’s have some silly argument over children’s books with emotionally dis-regulated adjunct professors on Twitter” sense; racist in the “these pricks stormed city hall with placards calling Dinkins a ‘washroom attendant’ and were proud to be seen doing so” sense.
As opposed to a school board where the mayor only appoints a minority of members, with the result that the city government had very little control over its own schools.
Turns out permitting/building more apartments leads to more apartments. Shocking logic.
Only New York City could think this needs a pilot project first (necessitating a years long rollout) to test whether “not dumping trash on the ground” is a good idea.
Not to get all scold-y or anything but city-run grocery stores are a stupid idea; yes, people should have to pay their bus fare (though not requiring the MTA to basically light some of that money on fire would be just peaches); more police do, in fact, lower crime (mainly through deterrent effects) although making them competent should get more attention; no, you shouldn’t be an abusive horse’s ass to your staff; closing our nuclear plant was insane as it raised emissions and increased electricity prices; a backwards AirTrain makes no sense; and renaming things after your dad to try and get him to love you after he’s long dead seems like a cry for help.
All roads lead to Robert Moses. As Parks Commissioner (apparently the highest ranking office in the state) he just decided that the mayor should live in a special house like the President.
He could try to replace the members of the rent guidelines board, which can regulate rents for stabilized apartments. If you weren’t fortunate enough to know someone who got you into a stabilized apartment (or somehow got to the front of a years long waiting list for one)? Well, out of luck. Bafflingly, the only way to solve the “there aren’t enough apartments” problem is to allow people to build more apartments.
There are many reasons for this. Most succinctly, when a school system fails to teach kids how to read, it’s good to be able to blame the mayor and elect a new one, who can be charged with fixing the schools. It’s harder to do the fixing part when you elect a mayor, said mayor appoints some (but not a majority) of people to one of several boards of busybodies that oversee schools, then the boards of busybodies deadlock in an argument over which type of table to convene at. For an example, look up anything to do with public education in San Francisco.