Fashionably Late Capitalism
In Three Parts
A Wedding
(A wedding reception, just after the ceremony, but just before martinis were available.)
ME (aside): Stupid tailor! Apparently, “leave plenty of room in the arms” meant, “turn my dinner jacket into a damn tourniquet!”
(Australian enters, creeping up behind me.)
AUSTRALIAN (doing a silly accent): Ah, so you’re the economist then.
ME: I like to think I’ll be most remembered for my contributions as a painter, literary critic, and carnival juggler, but yes, I am an economist. Now tell me, who let an Australian in here?
FRIEND: Meet -----. She’s -----’s girlfriend.
ME (lying through teeth): Oh, so nice to finally meet. I’ve heard so much about you!
Australian: You don’t believe in Marx I assume? Don’t you think he was onto something?”
Me: So no standard greetings then?
Australian: …
ME: I mean, we believe he existed, we believe he wrote a book, and we believe he had a very impressive beard, even by 19th century standards. But we just don’t believe he was the son of God. It’s just… well a lot of people died each of the first 37 times we tried Marxism.
AUSTRALIAN: You know true communism has never been tried!
ME: Right, I think I’ve heard that one, but the bar is opening so we’ll have to put a pin in this. Let me know how many corpses it takes to finally get it right.
AUSTRALIAN Is that supposed to be a joke?
ME: A damn good one! And I’m sure they’ll let you keep that $5,000 bracelet you’ve got on.
A Holiday Party
(the middle of a parlor game where we’re guessing names)
FRIEND/TEAMMATE: Just wanted to impress Jodie Foster!
ME: No idea… Honestly though, who doesn’t want to impress Jodie Foster?
FRIEND: Come on!
ME: I don’t know!
REFEREE: Time!
FRIEND: Hinckley! It was Hinckley you idiot!
ME: So, we’ve lost this round then I take it?
FRIEND: Yes…
ME (slight slurring): Great, time for more eggnog then.1 You know, it’s some sort of cosmic unfairness that you can’t eat the cinnamon stick after you finish the drink.
FRIEND: Huh…
FRIEND-OF-FRIEND LAWYER 1 (ongoing conversation, but now audible as people shift about the room): …it’s just capitalism. Incomes haven’t grown since the 60s…
FOF LAWYER 2: Like how are you ever supposed to afford a house?
ME (butting in, but very politely of course): You know that’s just not true, right?
FOF LAWYER 1: What?
ME: Incomes are up by a lot. GDP per capita in the US is something like $80K. If “capitalism” is keeping the little man down, it’s doing a remarkably poor job at it.
FOF LAWYERS 1 & 2 (in unison, like a Greek chorus): Yeah, but everything has gone to the rich. Middle class incomes haven’t grown.
ME (sobering up at the chance to be an obnoxious statistics scold): That’s a common misconception. Income has increased across the distribution. Median real incomes are up something like a third since the 80s.
FOF LAWYER 1 (daring to doubt me): How do you know?
ME: I mean, I am an economist. At least I think I am. The large-ish piece of paper the university gave me is in Latin, so I can’t be sure.
FOF LAWYER 2: Uh huh…
ME: You can look it up. Here…
(phones all appear)
Here’s a graph of median household income from FRED.
(I produce a beautiful graph, line going up to prove I’m right, yet no groveling apologies are forthcoming.)
FOF LAWYER 1: Well, here’s one that shows you’re wrong. This says it’s from FRED too.
ME: That’s a screenshot on Reddit. Look at the damn URL on the page I’m showing you; it’s the Federal Reserve. Real incomes have gone up a lot. This isn’t a controversy where we get to have different opinions!
HOST: What are you going on about now?
ME: I’m explaining how the typical American is rich by any global or historical standard. So we have a lot to be grateful for. It’s a perfectly wholesome sentiment in this season of Thanksgiving, God damn it!
HOST: Stop it.
ME: Fine.
FOF LAWYER 1: Okay, maybe incomes have gone up. But people are angry.
ME: I just made you rich. What, I have to do all the work? You need me to make you happy too?
A Dinner
(Eight people sitting around a table for dinner on a South Shore barrier island. Everyone is cold and wet since it’s pouring rain outside and the only way to get there is by boat. Between the attendees, at least 19 different conversations are in progress simultaneously.)
J-----: This is the last season for this restaurant.
M-----: They were so cute at tea.
DIFFERENT M-----: I don’t know if I like this jacket.
SCOTTISH GUY (facing away, doing a silly accent): [inaudible] gorgeous Australian [inaudible].
J-----: You know he’s an economist?
ME: It’s very sad that seems to be the most interesting thing about me.
THE SCOT (offhand): Oh, I’m a communist.
ME: Wait, what did you say?
THE SCOT: Oh, I said, “I have a date to [unprintable] this gorgeous Australian guy later. So, I have to go after dinner.”
W-----: Oh, wow… so much detail
ME: No, I meant about the… wait, [unprintable]? Um…
W-----: Sounds like a lot.
THE SCOT: Yep.
ME: Mazel tov? Anyway, I meant the communist thing.
THE SCOT: Yep, communist. I think the means of production [should be expropriated].2
DIFFERENT M-----: THE SCOT, will you be in the city next month?
THE SCOT: I don’t know, have to get back to London at some point. I’m being fitted for a £3,500 overcoat.
W-----: Um…
ME: I’m sorry, 3,500?
THE SCOT: Yes, and?
ME: Communist?
THE SCOT: Well, I’m rich in the meantime. And this coat is worth all £3,500.
W----- (deadpan): That’s too heavy for a coat.
A proper eggnog must be at least 40 proof. A good rule of thumb for this is your ingredients must be at least 50% liquor by volume (mix of bourbon, rum, and cognac). Otherwise, you’re just drinking raw eggs, and training for a boxing match isn’t the point.
I’m paraphrasing the bracketed part because I zoned out on the particulars.